First the reality !!! I have been struggling for most of this year with depression and negativity I admit that.
I want to be positive and face what life presents with acceptance and grace ..... That's what I want but reality is not always so cut an dried.
I know that my challenges are not the greatest in the world compared to some however they are my challenges and I struggle.
This past year after many years of no health issues I was diagnosed with diabetes and also with high blood pressure and although I have not had an official diagnosis peripheral neropathy. I know this because my feet are becoming more and more painful and overly sensitive.
Let me just say that the prospect of ever declining health scares the shit out of me and demoralised me to the point of despair at times.
I am finding it hard to be on my feet for more than an hour or two and I am honestly fearing that I don't know how I can go out and get a job unless I get some relief. In the worst cast scenario people lose their feet to neropathy..... that makes me so upset to even think of that happening.
I had a dream of going on the camino pilgrimage in Spain ... a 1000km walk but I am worried I won't ever be able to now.......
I don't ever mean to wallow in self pity but often I do I'm human and I hurt and feel worry and anxiety I can't help that now and then.
However I want to live my life with hope for better health and I know that much if not all of that is in my hands.
I want to find the place in me that says "you can do it don't give up" I get glimpses of that from time to time but its fleeting.
I have has so much disappointment , hurt feelings, anger and sadness that I allowed into my heart and I am tired if these feelings coming up so much.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for I know!!!
I want to take some baby steps towards some better way of being this new year I just can't live in the toilet of depression and self hate any more .....
I am trying to be positive..... inside me deep down is an incredible loving and creative genius who wants to love and be loved ( I am loved I know this gailene!)
I want my life to expand out to be of some help to others and most of all I to really learn what self love is. How can anyone love another if they don't love them self.
I think when things happen to people, their first thought is the "worst case scenario". That scenario will put you into an infinite slump. When my aunt was diagnosed with cancer, we all went to the extreme thinking she was practically dead already. The thing is though, when you think like that, are you really able to see clearly and understand the situation for what it really is? With that being said, after that, I learned to focus on the "what can I do now scenario". I have chronic asthma, it flares every single time there's a change in the weather. It's a serious annoyance for me, but right now I make sure I have all my medications so I won't have to worry about falling out somewhere. I'm going to Maine next year and before I go, I'm going to make sure I make a trip to see the doctor so I can have everything I need. I take a lot of pills and vitamins.
ReplyDeleteYou know that the way you are isn't working for you. That's the first step, but what else can you do right now? Your feet hurt? Go see a specialist, chiropractor, physical therapist, someone who can help you to fulfill your dreams of walking in Spain.
The reality of it is that we all fall, but we get up.
It's hard to believe an amazing person like you has an issue with loving yourself, but I know you can get over that as well. Like you said, there are people out there that love you and they love you for a reason. Try focusing on those things first then find the other things that you like. What it comes down to though is: you are who you are and that's why they love you. :)