a new year

2012 !!Well here it is.... I have been slacking on the blog front lately.
I always want to sit down and write some great stuff ..... well I was up until about 2 am this morning  and so I don't have much NRG
We had a fun new years eve with some friends and family playing games and eating way way too much.
I am not hoping for any massive changes in this new year .... rather small daily  baby steps towards a full creative, loving and content life.
Every day I will do my best to do the best I can Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh.
Sorry always  breaking into song.
I know none of us live a year .... we only have each day to live.
2011 had allot of difficulty for me.... depression ... anger... hurt ,worry, fear. and I know this year may hold more of the same. Only I have the choice in how to feel and think and in my mental and emotional response.
My hope is for more compassion to myself and others and a new attitude of self belief and positive action.
Even writing this I find myslef saying inside .... ya right your going to do that Ha. ....... I know down inside me is the inner voice of love ..... this near year, oh that I may hear it .

The winter

I love a frosty morning, the trees in crystal lace
I wander in the valley and slow my walking pace.

The trees ,the grass, the landscape, adorned with jewels of light,
and mountains in the background ,a welcome morning sight.

Winter is creation, that's covered up in white,
and how the moon can lead us on moon lit winter's nights.

Flakes of lattice wonder fall from skies above,
winter is the time of year to really fall in love.

Go outside and feel it, take in air so crisp,
let the wind upon your cheek dance like a will o wisp.

Lite the fire and stoke it, feel the heat rise up,
cuddle with your sweetheart ,share a warming cup.

Winter gives us many gifts that grow like seeds in earth,
and though it comes with darkness, we'll carry on with mirth.

We'll gather in the lodges and stay close to the fires,
and share our hearts and stories, we'll share our heart's desires.

Winter is a wonder,wild and full of grace, although
at times it does appear too hard for us to face.

Though winter stays for some time ,its not that bad a trip,
 for spring will come again some day to soften winter's grip.

I am trying to be positive

First the reality !!! I have been struggling for most of this year with depression and negativity I admit that.
I want to be positive and face what life presents with acceptance and grace ..... That's what I want but reality is not always so cut an dried.
I know that my challenges are not the greatest in the world compared to some however they are my challenges and I struggle.
This past year after many years of no health issues I was diagnosed with diabetes and also with high blood pressure and although I have not had an official diagnosis peripheral neropathy. I know this because my feet are becoming more and more painful and overly sensitive.
Let me just say that the prospect of ever declining health scares the shit out of me and demoralised me to the point of despair at times.
I am finding it hard to be on my feet for more than an hour or two and I am honestly fearing that I don't know how I can go out and get a job unless I get some relief. In the worst cast scenario people lose their feet to neropathy..... that makes me so upset to even think of that happening.
I had  a dream  of going on the camino pilgrimage in Spain ... a 1000km walk but I am worried I won't ever be able to now.......
I don't ever mean to wallow in self pity  but often I do I'm human and I hurt and feel worry and anxiety I can't help that now and then.
However I want to live my life with hope for better health and I know that much if not all of that is in my hands.
I want to find the place in me that says "you can do it don't give up" I get glimpses of that from time to  time but its fleeting.
I have has so much disappointment , hurt feelings, anger and sadness that I allowed into my heart and I am tired if these feelings coming up so much.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for I know!!!
I want to take some baby steps towards some better way of being this new year I just can't live in the toilet of depression and self hate any more .....
I am trying to be positive..... inside me deep down is an incredible loving and creative genius who wants to love and be loved ( I am loved I know this gailene!)
I want my life to expand out to be of some help to others and most of all I to really learn what self love is. How can anyone love another if they don't love them self.

pics n sketches

some christmas stuff (ing)

From time to time...(usually around Christmas lol) I remember some things that make me smile.
Simple things ... some may say childish things but what the hey.

One of my favourite things at Christmas especially as a child was the Christmas TV specials that were on starting in early December. My brother (twin) and I would get so excited , I still remember the beginning of some of those specials. There was a big circular coloured pattern with the words special presentation and some fancy music and then lets see.... maybe it was the charlie brown Christmas or the Rudolph the reindeer or the cosmic Santa or the dickens Christmas carol..... what ever is was we watched with excitement and I still remember all the Kraft commercials that always accompanied those shows. One Christmas show that I saw later in life was Mole's Christmas from the wind in the willows stories

The thing I love about this story is its simplicity and how the characters are forced to make do

after some unfortunate weather strikes and they can't get to their original destination for Christmas .There

is something about being in a cosy warm place and having just what you need and everyone happy that warms my heart and that's what the story is about. Although its meant for children I love the show to, I like remaining a child at heart

just a quick blog

This is one of my paintings... it is on the wall of our downstairs bathroom.
I always look at it when I am on the throne LOL

a dreamer forever

I am a dreamer and a procrastinator.... its a bad mix lol. Here is a list of my dreams (most of them)
 to have my own band and tour and make records
to hold benefit concerts and combined art show/sales
 to paint many masterpieces
 to publish my writing in various forms, poetry some with my sketches and art to go with the writing.
 to have a piece of land with lots of nature on it and an artist retreat centre.
 to become friends with Ron Sexsmith and tour with him some day
 to do the Newcastle diabetes diet and reverse my type 2 diabetes.
to travel and see the world.
to live in compassion and love
to accept life as it comes
to live fully every moment.
Some of these dreams are simply in my heart and I am afraid to move out into the actual doing part.
Others I work at all the time... for instance I play and sing every day
I paint when inspired and love the process of doing my art.
I write every day I try to write at least 3 pages and have done this for years.... I have volumes and volumes of my writing from as far back as the late 80's
I have more than enough writing to publish a book of poetry yet can't seem to bring my self to do anything about it. I think deep down I am afraid to share it thinking it will not be well received .
I have allot of limiting thoughts I realize , here are a few of them
I am to old to start
I am not good at what I do
I'll never be good enough  etc.
I have been in those thinking patterns for years and can't break that chain it would appear.
But I know  that I am too hard on myself and have made many steps towards the dreams too.
I have at times wild mood swings I can be extremly sad and depressed in the mornings and by afternoons feel fantasic. I have been taking vitimin B and it is helping.
I have struggled with depression for years and years, but I won't let go of my dreams
one time I wrote
"My dreams all fell apart at the seams, but I kept them for I will learn to sew one day"
My friend steve  took those words and adapted them into a song , his lyrics say
"The dreams I dream fell apart at the seams but I tucked them away , needle and thread will find these dreams one day"
Any way I'll keep dreaming and taking baby steps