Better late than cleaver

So its been months and months since i blogged. Why? Who knows
Perhaps it just time drags you away and some things that should not
Be forgotten are.
I mostly use my iphone for everything now and find typing on it
A pain. (we celebtrate christmas with wolves in canada)
So this will be short and sorta sweet, i wish joy to all in this christmas season.

been a long time been a long time been a long....

I just stopped blogging and its like getting back to the gym after you stop .... damn near impossible.
In a strange way I feel guilty....  that little voice inside that say "see you can't do anything right"

boy I'm way behind

Well time has flown and I have not blogged much that's for sure. What's new? hmmmm
it's spring so that means tons of snow (check) the streets are dirty and muddy (check)
I have been doing circles just working at lowe's (check)
My life is a bit flat at the moment (check)
I don't know why I am checking these things (check)
Check with me later I'll let you know when I know.

If there were a DEADLINE

well I'd be six feet under in the blog world.
Here is a short summary............. been too busy to blog.
Oh isn't that exciting for being busy is a sure sign of being successful right? BULLCRAP!!!!
It just means your a whole lot more tired and missing the sweet things of life like family and friends. Oh but don't worry they will give you money for all that time and I am sure it will make up for it all, BULLCRAP!!!
As you can see I am in a bit of a cynical mood at the moment.
There are times when I a so aware of the absurdity of life and what we must do to just get by.
Yesterday was one of those days that felt like a ball of flaming stress thrown at me and it left me sleepless and uneasy all through today too.
I have trouble letting go of things and so it builds up in me and causes distress and anguish.
To finish this little packet of whine and worry at least I had a fantastic guitar session this afternoon!

bloggin on a sunday afternoon

Well it feels like spring here in Calgary but that can be deceiving. We often get another blast of winter in April or May (ya it sucks). In fact its one of the things about living here I find hardest to deal with.Let's face it the grass is greener else where for sure LOL.
I realize its been so long since I wandered in a forest or by a river or lake and felt the wind and sun on my face.
I've lost my connection to the wild and open places and the quiet peaceful countryside.
The painter in me wants to reconnect with the colours and sights and the poet wants to sit in silence and empty myself of the stress of  modern life.
I still feel so tired all the time when I am not working and have settled into a pattern of hazy lazy do nothingness.
It feels like adventure and wonder are gone for now and life is a bit dreary at times. I think one of the things about living in this place is much of the rest of the world gets spring allot earlier than we do and even our summers are too short, and then a short autumn and back into winter.
Part of what I am feeling today is what I call my "Sunday" feeling. Ever since I was young Sunday was the day I liked least of the seven days.I was made to go to church for many years and it became a huge part of my life.Sundays always felt like some form of prison and by the afternoon and evening I would feel this dread of the next week all over again.
When I was young Sundays were really different than today, no business was open and not that many restaurants even. Most of society in those days really did rest on Sunday. Perhaps it was that quiet slow pace that made me feel so restless I don't know but I have never come to enjoy Sundays to this day.
I am beginning to think I must have (or still do) suffer from some general anxiety disorder or something.
Well that's about all I have to say this Sunday afternoon.

found time to fit in a sketch

I call this one "Spanish Yellow" Obviously the top pic is before I colored it.

this part time work feels like it takes up all my time

So I am still enjoying my new job but it feels like I am at the store all the time. Instead of just having 3 shifts of 8 hours they break it down into these 4 or 5 hour shifts so you end up working more days and less hours in effect.
I am beginning to see the reality of this type of work and why these companies have such large turn over.
I want to maintain a positive attitude but some things of late are starting to nag at me a little.
I see that being a sales associate can mean you are everything from the cleaner ,the display installer, the special order and installation coordinator and before you have even finished all the "training" your left to watch the whole department and answer phones for your department and the neighboring department if they go on break.
What's really ironic is that when they tell you in the first few days of training " DON'T WORRY WE WON'T THROW YOU TO THE WOLVES" that is exactly what happens!!! I had a job a few years ago and was told the exact same words verbatim and you guessed it same thing. Sorry this blog turned into a bit of a bitch fest.
To top it all off a fellow employee starts telling me that the department I am in has had a turnover of some 30 people in a year and a half. Way to make me feel secure buddy!!.
Did I ever mention this job is a stepping stone for me to get back into the work I want? I guess you can see that is obvious now.
I have been and always will be a good employee, I show up early and do my job I am a team player and I am dedicated to what tasks are given yet I feel that some companies as soon as they perceive that you are good will load you down and push you past what is reasonable.
All this for a "part time" employee that is getting marginally better than minimum wage!
Well here is the positive spin to all this whining it motivates me to keep looking for a better job.
As the stepping stone begins to shrink you better find a way to get to safety.

a recent doodle

not really a doodle its a sketch then I colour it and then take a digital pic, tweek the pic some but is still all my doing and I love bold colours as you can see. The top pic is another one from a few months ago.

something from my current writing

Sit in the Sunday morning
Take your space.
Be there ,real
find there is no other place.
It's only here you can feel
Let the moment surround us,
fall into this now.
This is when you will feel the change and bow.
Bow to what is raising
Bow to what goes down
Bow to those who are smiling
Bow to those who frown.

enjoying my new job

Well I have been at my new job a couple of weeks now and I am really enjoying being back at work. I have not had a great deal of time to blog these last two weeks so I feel a bit rushed to just get a blog out.
I like dealing with the customers and when its busy it makes the day go by fast.The only drawback to it all is the long hours on that concrete floor, my feet take a beating and I hope I get more used to it over time.
One of the nice things about this job too is the close proximity its a short 10 min drive from home and I don't have to deal with "rush" hour at all.
On other fronts I have been spending most of my energy training and learning the job so creatively speaking not too much going on. I still enjoy a bit of guitar playing when I can and trying to write some poems but there is not allot of flow there right now.
Its always a good thing in life to continue learning and being new on the job there is lots to learn, I feel good about that. My manager has already complimented me a number of times at how comfortable I am with the customers.
My goal is not to necessarily  make a career at this job but it is helping me feel more confident in who I am. Being unemployed for a long period really brought me to an emotional and mental low, I feel like I am back in the land of the living and I am thankful for that.

going back to work

Well its official I got a part time job offer and will start a new job on Thursday. I am relieved to finally get something. I have not worked since last April,so I am looking forward to being back in the "world" so to speak.
2011 was one of the most difficult years for me in recent memory, 2012 already feels so much better.For any of you who have been unemployed for some time you know how much it messes with your self esteem and general state of mental health. I will be working in a retail setting , not what I am used to so I am both nervous and a little excited to be doing something new. I will be working for a large home improvement company called Lowes, they are based out of the united states and have been moving into the Canadian market.
I will be working in the plumbing department on a part time basis to start.
It will be a relief to have some money coming back in and to help out with things that way.
I also was at the doctor's office on Monday and things are improving with my various issues, that makes me feel glad too.
Today the sun is shinning so bright and I feel great...... life is one day at a time and that's the way I like it.  To any of my readers (I know there are a few of you ) have a great day and be happy to be here .... I am happ you are!!!!

a few tings

Well I see its time for me to blog again (he says as it sounds like a chore) It is not but I have not been into writing so much lately.

Thing are going well for them most part, I am most likely going to get a job offer on Monday and that is really good for me. I need to get myself back out into the work world. I say most likely but there is always a chance it won't come through, so until I have a firm offer its "a chance"
It is starting to get a bit warmer here and tomorrow the chinook winds are coming so its a forecast high of 12 C.
I had a great coffee time this morning listening to my favorite radio station CKUA  they are a local Alberta radio station that is non commercial and they have such an awesome variety of music. Go to www.ckua.com and you can listen live anytime anywhere, check it out if you like everything from blues,roots jazz ,Celtic,folk, country,world, classical ,rock. Not like any other radio station.
I have discovered some of my favorite artists on CKUA.


Enough about that,Creatively I am sort of drifting at the moment no painting on the go ,not too many songs or poems. I feel fine but there is not a real fire in me at this time.
There are times when I feel like I need to say profound things of deep meaning however I spent allot of my life trying to unearth some of that stuff. I found mostly more holes dug than any mysterious spiritual treasure.
Who knows what tomorrow may bring?  I will have to wait and see.

I was listening to a song by Jackie leven on youtube earlier this evening and afterwards sat down with my guitar I just realized that I said my creativity was drifting and I think it comes to me in small bursts of great playing like I did this evening.Those times I feel like I am somewhere else and the song just flows out. I need to remember to record it some time, so those songs go out to who knows where. They come from my heart and soul and I hope some angel out there is listening.

frickin cold

You know how the song goes ......"Well its 40 below and don't give a %$#% gotta heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo.
Its not quite 40 below only  -30 C nothing to  whine about.
In Canada were not supposed to complain about the cold and in fact this post is not really me complaining.
I am just stating a fact its frickin cold.
However when the mercury drops so low you don't do allot of outdoor activities unless you work in the oil patch and then you suffer .... oh god 12hrs of back breaking work in the cold, one short season of that was more than I could take.
So enough about the weather  blah blah blah. My wife and I spent Saturday night up  in banff again. We were there in November for our anniversary.
We are a bit banffed  out now. don't get me wrong its beautiful there but we just didn't feel much of a connection this time.
There is not allot going on right now and that's OK I am feeling better than I have for a long time and content for now to be inside and warm.
For those of you in milder climates enjoy that!!! and for those of you in colder climates hang in there spring is only 5 months away and I hear summer is on July 14 this year.

its coming ....

In two days my birthday...... I have never been a real birthday kind of person.
I am a twin (fraternal) but none the less had to share my birthday. When I was a toddler my mom would make one cake and cut it in two and turn it on its side and made an igloo cake so me and my brother each had a cake. I understand we didn't have allot of money growing up so I can't really hold it against her. But call me a selfish little jerk if you want but I have never felt like I had a special day just for me.
I am way past the toddler stage (although my wife might disagree at times ) However my birthday has always been a let down........ this is my own fault...... I don't know how to truly celebrate myself or anyone for that matter. These days I am realising that there feels like a mountain of unresolved things from my past so much that at times I feel helpless to even do a thing about it.
Any way that all sounds bloody whiny so F that ..... I am starting some anti depressant medicine.
Here's to feeling good again soon and starting to live again

some sketches

A random page from my journals

So...... I write allot .... in journals.... with a fountain pen.
I write every day if I can.... some days it flows like water and some days its like a rusty pump jack and it takes everything just to get a few drops out.
I write my own brand of strange poems and thoughts... or maybe just what I observe.
I write what I hope will one day be songs for I am also a musician.
I have around 50 journals upstairs on the shelf..... I am going to grab one at random and type out the page.
Let's see what comes up...... flipping  to a random page also.....

"There are other prisons though, thousands of them ,in the way we believe what society,the world,others say about us.We will go to the ends of the earth and ourselves to avoid disapproval. I myself have become so afraid of embarrassment that my my life has become so small, so compact,hiding when ever I can to avoid detection.This is classic impostor syndrome.My god we have all become experts at fragmentation,the ability to let you see just what we want ,a sliver of false self even.So much has come to depend on it,and then we come to our expectations. I have a definite list of unwritten expectations and when another does not meet them I feel anger and judgement..... back to things as they are....... people wear really pointy shoes these days,is it trying to get their point across? or a subconscious way of  saying don't you get me! Who knows!
(in the margin) Once again I am certain clothes are our biggest visual grace.

Well that's how I wrote it some time in 2009

a new year

2012 !!Well here it is.... I have been slacking on the blog front lately.
I always want to sit down and write some great stuff ..... well I was up until about 2 am this morning  and so I don't have much NRG
We had a fun new years eve with some friends and family playing games and eating way way too much.
I am not hoping for any massive changes in this new year .... rather small daily  baby steps towards a full creative, loving and content life.
Every day I will do my best to do the best I can Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh.
Sorry always  breaking into song.
I know none of us live a year .... we only have each day to live.
2011 had allot of difficulty for me.... depression ... anger... hurt ,worry, fear. and I know this year may hold more of the same. Only I have the choice in how to feel and think and in my mental and emotional response.
My hope is for more compassion to myself and others and a new attitude of self belief and positive action.
Even writing this I find myslef saying inside .... ya right your going to do that Ha. ....... I know down inside me is the inner voice of love ..... this near year, oh that I may hear it .

The winter

I love a frosty morning, the trees in crystal lace
I wander in the valley and slow my walking pace.

The trees ,the grass, the landscape, adorned with jewels of light,
and mountains in the background ,a welcome morning sight.

Winter is creation, that's covered up in white,
and how the moon can lead us on moon lit winter's nights.

Flakes of lattice wonder fall from skies above,
winter is the time of year to really fall in love.

Go outside and feel it, take in air so crisp,
let the wind upon your cheek dance like a will o wisp.

Lite the fire and stoke it, feel the heat rise up,
cuddle with your sweetheart ,share a warming cup.

Winter gives us many gifts that grow like seeds in earth,
and though it comes with darkness, we'll carry on with mirth.

We'll gather in the lodges and stay close to the fires,
and share our hearts and stories, we'll share our heart's desires.

Winter is a wonder,wild and full of grace, although
at times it does appear too hard for us to face.

Though winter stays for some time ,its not that bad a trip,
 for spring will come again some day to soften winter's grip.

I am trying to be positive

First the reality !!! I have been struggling for most of this year with depression and negativity I admit that.
I want to be positive and face what life presents with acceptance and grace ..... That's what I want but reality is not always so cut an dried.
I know that my challenges are not the greatest in the world compared to some however they are my challenges and I struggle.
This past year after many years of no health issues I was diagnosed with diabetes and also with high blood pressure and although I have not had an official diagnosis peripheral neropathy. I know this because my feet are becoming more and more painful and overly sensitive.
Let me just say that the prospect of ever declining health scares the shit out of me and demoralised me to the point of despair at times.
I am finding it hard to be on my feet for more than an hour or two and I am honestly fearing that I don't know how I can go out and get a job unless I get some relief. In the worst cast scenario people lose their feet to neropathy..... that makes me so upset to even think of that happening.
I had  a dream  of going on the camino pilgrimage in Spain ... a 1000km walk but I am worried I won't ever be able to now.......
I don't ever mean to wallow in self pity  but often I do I'm human and I hurt and feel worry and anxiety I can't help that now and then.
However I want to live my life with hope for better health and I know that much if not all of that is in my hands.
I want to find the place in me that says "you can do it don't give up" I get glimpses of that from time to  time but its fleeting.
I have has so much disappointment , hurt feelings, anger and sadness that I allowed into my heart and I am tired if these feelings coming up so much.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for I know!!!
I want to take some baby steps towards some better way of being this new year I just can't live in the toilet of depression and self hate any more .....
I am trying to be positive..... inside me deep down is an incredible loving and creative genius who wants to love and be loved ( I am loved I know this gailene!)
I want my life to expand out to be of some help to others and most of all I to really learn what self love is. How can anyone love another if they don't love them self.

pics n sketches