definate maybe

definate maybe
some times the cube speaks volumes

Tuesday 20 December 2011

The winter



I love a frosty morning, the trees in crystal lace
I wander in the valley and slow my walking pace.

The trees ,the grass, the landscape, adorned with jewels of light,
and mountains in the background ,a welcome morning sight.

Winter is creation, that's covered up in white,
and how the moon can lead us on moon lit winter's nights.

Flakes of lattice wonder fall from skies above,
winter is the time of year to really fall in love.

Go outside and feel it, take in air so crisp,
let the wind upon your cheek dance like a will o wisp.

Lite the fire and stoke it, feel the heat rise up,
cuddle with your sweetheart ,share a warming cup.

Winter gives us many gifts that grow like seeds in earth,
and though it comes with darkness, we'll carry on with mirth.

We'll gather in the lodges and stay close to the fires,
and share our hearts and stories, we'll share our heart's desires.

Winter is a wonder,wild and full of grace, although
at times it does appear too hard for us to face.

Though winter stays for some time ,its not that bad a trip,
 for spring will come again some day to soften winter's grip.

I am trying to be positive

First the reality !!! I have been struggling for most of this year with depression and negativity I admit that.
I want to be positive and face what life presents with acceptance and grace ..... That's what I want but reality is not always so cut an dried.
I know that my challenges are not the greatest in the world compared to some however they are my challenges and I struggle.
This past year after many years of no health issues I was diagnosed with diabetes and also with high blood pressure and although I have not had an official diagnosis peripheral neropathy. I know this because my feet are becoming more and more painful and overly sensitive.
Let me just say that the prospect of ever declining health scares the shit out of me and demoralised me to the point of despair at times.
I am finding it hard to be on my feet for more than an hour or two and I am honestly fearing that I don't know how I can go out and get a job unless I get some relief. In the worst cast scenario people lose their feet to neropathy..... that makes me so upset to even think of that happening.
I had  a dream  of going on the camino pilgrimage in Spain ... a 1000km walk but I am worried I won't ever be able to now.......
I don't ever mean to wallow in self pity  but often I do I'm human and I hurt and feel worry and anxiety I can't help that now and then.
However I want to live my life with hope for better health and I know that much if not all of that is in my hands.
I want to find the place in me that says "you can do it don't give up" I get glimpses of that from time to  time but its fleeting.
I have has so much disappointment , hurt feelings, anger and sadness that I allowed into my heart and I am tired if these feelings coming up so much.
I know that I have so much to be thankful for I know!!!
I want to take some baby steps towards some better way of being this new year I just can't live in the toilet of depression and self hate any more .....
I am trying to be positive..... inside me deep down is an incredible loving and creative genius who wants to love and be loved ( I am loved I know this gailene!)
I want my life to expand out to be of some help to others and most of all I to really learn what self love is. How can anyone love another if they don't love them self.

Sunday 11 December 2011

some christmas stuff (ing)

From time to time...(usually around Christmas lol) I remember some things that make me smile.
Simple things ... some may say childish things but what the hey.
One of my favourite things at Christmas especially as a child was the Christmas TV specials that were on starting in early December. My brother (twin) and I would get so excited , I still remember the beginning of some of those specials. There was a big circular coloured pattern with the words special presentation and some fancy music and then lets see.... maybe it was the charlie brown Christmas or the Rudolph the reindeer or the cosmic Santa or the dickens Christmas carol..... what ever is was we watched with excitement and I still remember all the Kraft commercials that always accompanied those shows. One Christmas show that I saw later in life was Mole's Christmas from the wind in the willows stories


The thing I love about this story is its simplicity and how the characters are forced to make do
after some unfortunate weather strikes and they can't get to their original destination for Christmas .There
is something about being in a cosy warm place and having just what you need and everyone happy that warms my heart and that's what the story is about. Although its meant for children I love the show to, I like remaining a child at heart


Saturday 10 December 2011

just a quick blog

This is one of my paintings... it is on the wall of our downstairs bathroom.
I always look at it when I am on the throne LOL

Wednesday 7 December 2011

a dreamer forever

I am a dreamer and a procrastinator.... its a bad mix lol. Here is a list of my dreams (most of them)
 to have my own band and tour and make records
to hold benefit concerts and combined art show/sales
 to paint many masterpieces
 to publish my writing in various forms, poetry some with my sketches and art to go with the writing.
 to have a piece of land with lots of nature on it and an artist retreat centre.
 to become friends with Ron Sexsmith and tour with him some day
 to do the Newcastle diabetes diet and reverse my type 2 diabetes.
to travel and see the world.
to live in compassion and love
to accept life as it comes
to live fully every moment.
Some of these dreams are simply in my heart and I am afraid to move out into the actual doing part.
Others I work at all the time... for instance I play and sing every day
I paint when inspired and love the process of doing my art.
I write every day I try to write at least 3 pages and have done this for years.... I have volumes and volumes of my writing from as far back as the late 80's
I have more than enough writing to publish a book of poetry yet can't seem to bring my self to do anything about it. I think deep down I am afraid to share it thinking it will not be well received .
I have allot of limiting thoughts I realize , here are a few of them
I am to old to start
I am not good at what I do
I'll never be good enough  etc.
I have been in those thinking patterns for years and can't break that chain it would appear.
But I know  that I am too hard on myself and have made many steps towards the dreams too.
I have at times wild mood swings I can be extremly sad and depressed in the mornings and by afternoons feel fantasic. I have been taking vitimin B and it is helping.
I have struggled with depression for years and years, but I won't let go of my dreams
one time I wrote
"My dreams all fell apart at the seams, but I kept them for I will learn to sew one day"
My friend steve  took those words and adapted them into a song , his lyrics say
"The dreams I dream fell apart at the seams but I tucked them away , needle and thread will find these dreams one day"
Any way I'll keep dreaming and taking baby steps

Sunday 4 December 2011

paper mache, blizzards,focaccia bread,electric guitar and life

These are a few of my favourite things?  well maybe not the blizzards although there is a certain beauty to the wildness of a winter storm and after the spectacle of white everywhere after so I'll include that too.
I was feeling so beat and down the last few days after I heard I didn't get the latest job..... I have learnt to give in fully my feelings and really feel them, as much as it hurts and seems like weakness after I cry so hard I feel such a sense of relief...... the hangover of feelings and anger though lasted until Friday evening.
I have come out of those feeling not unlike this afternoon when the snow finally stopped and the sun came out in full force. Yesterday I had a sudden inspiration to make focaccia bread, so I whipped out all the ingredients .... lets see threw some flour into the mixing bowl I dunno maybe it was 3 cups not sure just eyeballed it the about 1/4 cup olive oil , about a 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese milk , a table spoon of baking powder,some powdered ,oregano,salt pepper , roasted red pepper and garlic seasoning and run some water from the tap into the bowl beat it all around with a spoon till it was like some sort of dough and fwapped it down on a back sheet on parchment paper..... over at 350 for about 25 and then basted some butter on it and back in for about 5 more. Well let me tell you it was FN OMG  good and I am not makin it up .... I am like a Kitchen savant at times .... by the way I don't use recipes and cook and bake by feeling and instinct..... I have never made focaccia bread before and this was bloody amazing.
Enough about that ..... so I finally got started on the new Christmas tree topper I am making for our tree this year ..... I am making a great snowman for the tree top ...... my wife loves snowmen and this one will be holding a star up above his head (as suggested by our son). I am making it out of paper mache and it is coming along very well. I will be sure to post a pic of it when it is done.
Today I had coffee with my older brother ... he and I worked together for a few months last year when I went out to work in the oil rigs ..... that's another story but .... I was glad to see him and had  a great time albeit short but we always laugh and enjoy each other..... seeing him and laughing made me feel so thankful to be alive ... to have this life .... life is great even though some of the valleys are low ... that's part of it and I am thankful because after a low often I have a great surge of creative energy and joy.
I have been playing guitar for over 30 years and my playing of recent has taken a quantum leap

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTkNtZMdDlw
This is a video from last January I posted on youtube.... the sound is a bit tinny but its the only one of me playing my guitar (keep in mind this is before the quantum leap LOL)
This evening I am very happy and thankful.... I look forward to a great new year coming and the slow and steady beginning of believing in myself and all my talents.....
To those of you stopping in thank you for encouragement and comments.
I wish everyone a wonderful holiday season and some moments of reflection that even though the storms may come life is a little more amazing when you make it through.
Joy to all of you.

Thursday 1 December 2011

I'm giving up

I cried and cried..... why did she give me hope why ?
and calls me a day late to say ..... sorry your not what we want .... the other guy is better
Fuck I am dejected and rejected ... fuck fuck fuck..... cry cry cry
I don't care anymore.... all they want to do is punish you call you in for interviews and treat you like shit!!!!!
fuck it all

I hurt..... so bad  so fucking bad

Tuesday 29 November 2011

be free

a sketch and edit  I did awhile back

I am following myself

I didn't know one could follow themselves in the blog world..... good thing I gotta keep an eye on me to make sure I don't write anything bad about myself.
I would love to sit down and write one cohesive interesting thing.... 
Maybe next time.
I'm in a bit of the blahs right now.
Yet I am looking forward to christmas this year .... I just want one night of clear skies and bright starts thats all and maybe some forest and river to look up at it from that would be great oh and a big silvery moon too.

Tuesday 22 November 2011

two recent paintings

these are  prints of the original gouache paintings .... I painted them for someone from some photos taken on a vacation. I was really pleased with how they turned out and so was she.

Friday 18 November 2011

winter, and banff and other stuff

Well it is pretty much here (winter)   and it's ok .... so far.
Whats been going on ? hmmm well I had 3 job interviews this week
Enough about that ! .... I am feeling quite down about my job search and have had all these interviews but not getting hired.

What else..... playing my guitar and piano..... want to start another painting..... been writing lots of poems and such.
We went to banff last weekend....... it was our first wedding anniversary   yea!!
I took a bunch of pics with my phone .... here is one of the churches in banff ,as you can see there was no snow there that day. I like the old post card effect I got with the edit of this pic

Monday 31 October 2011

The difference

They are starting over with means...
I am starting over with nothing but dreams........

Monday 24 October 2011

In each other's eyes

There is a call inside you, to look for something new.
 a call that you just can't ignore, no matter what you do,
your passing scenes of childhood, you feel your fears arise,
but something calls you deeper, past all the frightening cries.

There is a home you'll find there, connected to a love
one that calls you softly , like a turtle dove.
Here your heart can soften, and leave the hurt and pain,
all that wants to hurt you ,when in your heart refrains.

Come lets go on deeper to the heart of hope,
way beyond the stairways ,the ladders or the ropes.
to a place of fullness, holding all you are,
in a place of healing, healing all your scars.

We can meet together, in this place so free,
it is there, inside of you, and its inside of me.
funny when we get there ,we seem to know this scene.
its been calling us all home, at night in all our dreams.

One day we'll remember,then we'll see at last,
how were all connected ,since way before our past,
joined before the dawning ,of the first sunrise
held in love together,  look in each other's eyes

(I wrote these words this morning.... )
Copyright 2011 James Shurmer

Friday 21 October 2011

lindsay in the morgue

Lindsay in the morgue

She was late for work in the county morgue
For she couldn’t find the place,
To impress the captive cliental she painted up her face


The mood there on the gurneys was almost a lilting glee,
For the dead had never had some help,
From someone dead as she.

She thought she’d liven up the place
And sing a song or two
But all that this accomplished
Was making them more blue.

She finally came to hate it there,
The corpses seemed to sneer.
And truly made her understand
The death of her career.

Sometimes then if you listen, way down in the hospital bowels,
The dead ones all remember, with screams and awful howls
How a girl named Lindsay Lohan helped them leave this cruel world.
And how she was really like them,
Dead and looking horrid, only she had her hair curled

Wednesday 19 October 2011

Two New songs

So I had a morning of inspiration and was able to finish two new songs .... here they are and if you play guitar the chords are there also .... if you don't play guitar the chords are there anyway so play air guitar.

Pathways (capo III ) 

The autumn leaves are blowing       G F G F G
Before the snow
soon it will be slowing
As it was Before

Where we will be going        G F G F G
We’ll never know
Just like the leaves are blowing
Time will show

The pathways through the sun  C Amin D F C G
Winding through the world
Calling us away
There we run, there we run


The seasons the are turning     G F G F G
As we sing
And our hearts are burning
Just like the leaves.


Walking hand in hand    Amin D Amin D F C G
Through the trees
Or falling like the sands
To our knees

The pathways through the sun   C Amin D F C G
Winding through the world
Calling us away
There we run, there we run






Copyright 2011 James Shurmer
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Love will

Love we are at its whim       D A Emin A
So just dive right in,
Never try to win

Love not a thing at all    D A Emin A
Not a thing you hold
Not a thing you call

But love ,love must choose us       G  f#min  G  F#min  A
Love , love will use us all
Only float along, only float along

Love is a mystery       D  A  Emin  A
Only  hearts can see
So just let it be……

Love it can break     D  A  Emin  A
 your heart
or send you to the stars
or send you to the stars

Oh oh let go oh oh oh let go oh oh oh let it flow         Emin  D  Emin  D  G  A  D

Love we are at its whim      D  A  Emin  A
So lets dive right in,
Never try to win

But love ,love must choose us G f#min G F#min A
Love , love will use us all
Only float along, only float along

Copyright 2011 James Shurmer

Thursday 13 October 2011

still and stuck

Being stuck is allot like being still only being still hasn't got any fight in it.
What would be worse is if I were lost first then got stuck.
Hey where the F am I ......... oh god I am lost and stuck!
If I could just be truly still.
still .... without fear .... without worry .... without sadness.... just still.
My mind does not like still .... it demands constant feeding .... more fear ... more worry ... more sadness.
Everything lately has been a fight ...... there can be no stillness in a fight, and as I said no fight in stillness.
I remember a story about my birth ..... I was small and needed to be placed in an incubator for the first month or so...... my mother told me that someone (don't know who) told her don't worry "he's a fighter".
no one ever says "don't worry he's a let goer"
I am tired of fighting everything in life so very tired, I don't know how to just let go and be still...... so I'm stuck.

Tuesday 4 October 2011

chaos theory

Who knew Chaos theory would be so interesting????? I am reading the book "Deep Simplicity" by John Gribbin
For me, these types of books are a page turner. The "strangeness" of science never fails to amuse me more than any fantasy or fiction.
I was never great at doing math but the concepts that surround mathematical mystery I find endlessly fascination. This book deals as the title suggests with complexity and chaos from the theory standpoint and has a great deal of short biographical info on the scientists and mathematicians who developed chaos and other theory's.
Of great interest to me was the story of the mathematician named  Alan Turing he was a brilliant mathematician and was responsible for breaking the "enigma" code the Germans used in World War II.
Turing's works was so advanced and ground breaking in terms of computer technology and biology. The very sad part of the story was that he ended up committing suicide do to his sexual orientation. Homosexuality was illegal in the UK in the 1950's. His work with morphogenesis or oscillating chemical reactions was truly ground breaking and, had he been able to continue in his work one can only imagine what discoveries he may have made.
He is just one of many interesting men that have made remarkable discoveries and developed physical laws and theory's that literally shape our technological world.
I know that this sort of reading for some is akin to a root canal but for me I get lost in the mystery of these theory's and marvel at the grand scale of some of this scientific investigation and the under laying mathematical complexity
I studied some thermodynamics when I took Power Engineering back in the 1980's but it didn't capture my attention much then.
This book has done a great job of laying out the laws of thermodynamics in a very simplified way that makes sense to me and ties together chaos theory in a fascinating and entertaining way

Friday 30 September 2011

moon shadow moon shadow

I'm being followed by a moon shadow..... sort of .... more by moon synchronicity in the last few days.
lines in songs..... words in books.... images in videos.
pay attention to the moon
all random information about the moon  I was not doing any searches on moons.
Some have said the moon is magic
I think there is something to that!
If you put too much stock into that I guess they will call you a lunatic.
Who cares what they call you
Tonight I am going to go out and look for the moon.. hope it is clear..... just feel the need to watch it for awhile....
(PS view the pic separately)

Tuesday 27 September 2011

I can hardley speak of it

I had an afternoon beyond all my fears and truely lost in divine space.
It all started watching johnny mathis on youtube...... the song was actually a christmas song "When a Child is Born" ... a little early yes but I love the song.
some way into the song I feel my emotions rise, that inevitable flood gate of tears welling up and building pressure. It hits me and I begin crying and sobbing feelings and thoughts rush into me about my own childhood and of how the world is these days. Some vocalists have that kind of voice that reached deep down on a different level and he is one of those for me.
After I regain some breathing I move down into the living room and pick up my electric guitar and start playing. Music and words pour out feeling and a depth and breadth of emotion like I have not ever had before..... then I move over the to roland piano .... I keep playing the new song there ... it thunders and cascades out of ,my fingers to the keys and I am almost stoned by it all..... then on to my acoutic guitar and my harmonica again this song flows out of me and I almost feel an out of body expeience it is so powerful.
I have never been able to play for others and hope one day to be able to.

Tuesday 20 September 2011

indian summer

meet me in the Indian summer!
Its a great song by van morrison off a disc that I forget the name of now.
It feels quite like Indian summer here, cool air but lots of sunshine, the trees just starting to turn.
Fall is coming quickly and then frosty winter will blow into town again.
The decision is to not complain about winter this year ... just let it come and live with it.(for those of you  who live in climates that don't include -30 deg you may wonder what all the fuss is about)

I didn't get the job I interviewed for ...... feel down for sure now...... I just can't shut that off real quick.

Its now evening and I feel rather good.... thanks to a little coffee and a chocolate chip cookie.
This is the thing , I have found that the feeling just after a headache is gone is one of the most wonderful feelings in life... (coffee and cookie thank you very much) so if we don't have the headache we don't get the wonderful absence of a headache.
I also feel better after not getting THAT job , there will be something yet to come and all the worry in the world won't change that so...... onward and inward

Sunday 11 September 2011

not ready quite yet

Well it appears I am not quite ready to start the diet...........
Thursday all went well and then Friday ...... hmm it was the combination of the pizza brought in , the cupcakes being baked , the popcorn being popped and the last straw the left over Chinese food brought home....
I caved and had an eating frenzy

Saturday morning was then a given ..... pancakes, bacon, toast, eggs, hash browns
Saturday night hamburgers and chips

I am going to start over because I just was not ready
I did feel bad
I really want to stick to the diet for my health sake , need a few more days of eating I guess LOL

Thursday 8 September 2011

day one

Well today I am starting an 8 week diet that will reverse my type 2 diabetes. Its approx 800 calories a day and damn I am hungry already lol.
 I am not going to blog every day about the diet but will post feeling and such along the way.
I have the utmost of motivation for this diet and I know it will be hard but when I am done ... no more diabetes and probably no more issues with blood pressure too.
I hope to lose about 30lbs in the 8 weeks and then maintain that with good eating habits afterward.
I already mentioned the study from Newcastle University that this diet is based on in a previous blog so if your interested look down the line a bit

Wednesday 7 September 2011

yada yada

Well let's see ............ camping on the weekend was mostly good........ very hot weather  29 deg c sorry if you want the old archaic Fahrenheit you'll have to convert that yourself (spare ooome) (previous parenthesis inside joke)
I know at times I can be hard to get along with in groups.............I don't have the patients for some things like having to do ALL the work.... make the fire ... cook the meals ... haul the water... do the dishes  while some people sit around and lift not one finger to help.
(OK that bitch session is done next)

Went for a job interview today........ I feel it went well ....... we will see.
its the right shift .... mon to fri 7 to 3:30
its 7 min drive from the house to the front door ... nice short commute
The pay is good
the people seemed friendly
If they offer I will take it

We got a new washing machine today ... hooray the old one broke down a few days ago ... 2 loads done already and it has a bigger capacity so quicker laundry days yeah!!!

other wise yada yada

Wednesday 31 August 2011

rain rain go away

We are going camping this weekend .... labour day long weekend..... so I just want it to be nice!
I love camping.... when it is nice ..... I don't like camping in the rain at all.
With one exception though ..... I do love watching rain fall on a still lake in the wilderness that is magical

Sunday 28 August 2011

All disjointed

I can't seem to bring myself to write in a consistent manner......I read other's blogs and they seem so coherent.
Mine are at best disjointed......
Clunky and certainly unsophisticated.
I do wonder why I write them at all?
Is it to get a small bit of connection to a greater world?
Does one need to go out into the blogosphere and canvas for readers to bring into his or her own little bubble?
I think we all want to feel we matter in a bigger picture context.......

I can't even finish off this blog with any umph so I'll just finish off.
oh one more thought before I go
in my youth I thought life would get easier as you progress forward...... now in my (oh god) middle age I feel a bit like old Sisyphus some days, and with all that rolling the stone imagine how disjointed he felt!

Friday 26 August 2011

THE SMELL GOT ME

Oh it assaulted my sense of smell.... in a great way
I took the spike haired one to the amusement park today.
There is  it was smelling so good
COTTON CANDY
I was really never a big fan of it but I know I ate it as a kid (long time ago in a galaxy far far away)
I had to have some and ......... OMG MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
it melted in my mouth and I felt so alive for that moment and thought life has to be lived even when your a diabetic and not supposed to eat it. F U diabetes !!!!

There are no Big days really most of what happens in our short lives is forgotten but things like smells and tastes are in a way constant memory ,they live in us on a deeper level.
I need to be simply open to the simple pleasures of life and take each day as it comes for there is no other way in reality to live.

ps...... I am very soon going to undertake a new diet regime that will reverse my type 2 diabetes ... yes its a cure and not a gimmik...... check out the University of Newcastle England web site to see the "skinny" on this life changing diet http://www.ncl.ac.uk/press.office/press.release/item/diet-reverses-type-2-diabetes

Thursday 25 August 2011

middle of the road

Today feels like the middle of the road and that's OK.
The Taoist say not the right or the left so is must be a good thing
I talked briefly to our neighbour's father as he pulled up on the driveway.... not a usual event, then ran into him and his daughter (our neighbour) at the mall in the sears store..... believe me I never go to sears ever... only if I am on a mission to get someone pants for the school year ... so never would be once a year then. I take that as a synchronicity (yes I am always looking for them) And finding them too !!!! sometimes they just remind me to keep a close watch and stay moving forward.


I love the Asian supermarket they have the best stuff over there so many more items than a "regular" store and lots of colour and great different smells .... I love it. ya I was there too today
 I hate walmart.... I was there too
 I was at winners .... I am indifferent to winners
 I did 3 somewhat "emergency" plumbing jobs this week .... things happen in 3's it is said.
Yesterday I felt like for a short time I was in the "other" place ... its a place of pure love and peace and joy I have been there before , once for almost a whole day .....and when I am there I feel unlimited love for all that  I see....... I can't stay there ... just like we all can't hold onto any moment they must flow and we must learn that the best place other than the "other" is frankly the middle of the road

Friday 19 August 2011

the time of confusion

I should know by now and that  is half the problem .... this wanting to know
I have seen it all come together in past times
I understand life is like a flowing river
All things come and go with the flow
I have been down before and came back up
non action , acceptance , Patience.
The more I struggle in the web of what is not known the more I am bound.
Letting go has never been easy for me.
The old ways of thinking loop again and again.
find the heart not the mind
feel feel feel
stop the unrelenting self beatings and quest to follow all the rules
never mind
breath breath breath
I hate feeling this way
see.

Monday 15 August 2011

new book from the library and more synchronicity

Well I got a few new books out from the library .... yup they still have libraries.
This latest one I am mentioning is "The 7 Secrets of Synchronicity"
I am going to see if I can use all the synchronicity I have been seeing lately can help me change my life course and get into a line of work that I will enjoy.
A big part of being "down" has been all my fears around unemployment , age ,health and feeling "Useless"
Not working for almost 3 years (not including the 3 months this year which I really don't count) has left me with allot of anxiety over interviews and references and blah blah blah you know all that sort of thing.

Scrrrrreeech .... I am going to stop that line of poor me at the moment..... I feel good tonight and it always warms my heart to think people you don't "know" can stop by a blog and leave a comment and make you realize people care about one another even in a small way
Oh and in the above mentioned book there is a segment talking about a synchronicity around the movie kill bill which features  "A Samurai Chick "

Friday 12 August 2011

headache , heartache

Just spent a week at the inlaw's "park model".... tenting in the back yard.... my head hurts..... my heart hurts
surprising that my back does not hurt sleeping on a half full air matress.
I got home and there is a jack hammer working outside the window.
I am lost inside myself these days .........so many feelings and I can't express them to anyone even my wife who I love!!!!


life just goes and goes
I am not tired of life
I am tired of not living

Tuesday 2 August 2011

a whole lotta

We cannot imagine just how much digital content we are leaving behind. I can't write about that.
I can't write at all
FUCK

Friday 22 July 2011

random shit that no one gives a fuck about

do not scan this !!!
you will only think less of me
well
I am
ok
today
its raining
no one on facebook ever comments on my stuff
I am turning into the latter flowers for algernon  persona
dead people I think I like...... Vincent Van Gogh.....St. Francis of assisi.....OSHO.....Phil....
want to open my energy gates!!!
in the past I have had psychic moments......in the future I will have more
right now ... not so much
I feel no passage of time when I play guitar or paint or colour using my pastels or pencil crayons... but I feel time drag if I use lead pencils
I want to wake up in a city that never sleeps .... ya right that will happen by definition that damn city doesn't sleep so how the fuck can I wake up there ????
I try to meet like minded people but I hate myself so much that I just hit them and tell them to leave!!!
I think there should be "lay down" comedy but my wife says its already happening every time I try to make love to her!
Gay parody to robert palmer's "addiicted to love"...... might as well face it theres a dick in your rump!
I am sure that everything that everybody says or does doesn't really matter one bit.
I think that sex in all forms and ways must increase until we are so surrounded by it that it will become the new morality and then a new religion will form to get people who don't have sex to do it to be saved
hell is the new heaven .... you know like pink is the new black
I come from a long line
so do you
somewhere that line meets
so why do I hate you so much
hate is love that lost its way
compassion works
use it as directed
send some down inside
bye for now

Wednesday 20 July 2011

the code

this is where my wife works out
I see huge potential in these qr codes


Sunday 17 July 2011

I am not allowed

My wife says I can't write depressing blogs any more.
Since I know she is always right ......
there goes my blog LOL

Wednesday 13 July 2011

Sunday 10 July 2011

just a quick one

I will add a pic this time .... still feeling off , lost and out of sorts
but carry on I will...........
I want to keep blogging even if its nothing
things will change as they always do
listen up .... one day you wake up and it seems like most of your life is over.
My deepest fears and heartache is that I won't ever pursue any of my dreams ... I am to lazy my self hating voice says ... I am to far gone ... I have always been a procrastinator.
I feel woefully inadequate at most things
However !!!! fuck can I play my guitar some days, and like that broken string hanging down it may be the last thread to my remaining sane

Wednesday 6 July 2011

no pics no inspiration

Creatively I am in a vacuum, I have not painted, wrote any poetry , or sketched much of anything lately.
I am stuck
I don't want to write about breasts again!
There was a moment this morning though after coming out from the swimming pool (we go at 5:30am) I felt so content and like I needed nothing.
I know better than to try and hold something like that.... it comes and goes.

Monday 4 July 2011

A hill of beans

Obviously whats pictured here is not a hill of beans ..... or is it?
I don't know where that phrase comes from for that matter
usually it means something like he/she won't amount to a hill of beans ?
This was the lunch my wife and I had downtown on Saturday
it was a great day lovely weather and nice to look at all the sites downtown
Both of us enjoyed watching our server, her beautiful breasts bouncin as she walked by.
We are just getting ready for our favorite stampede pastime watching boobs of all shapes and sizes.
I have carefully hidden the offensive nipples  lol
Talking about breasts is not offensive anyway...... who doesn't love breasts????
All I have to say is any controversy over breasts doesn't amount to a hill of beans

Wednesday 29 June 2011

summer summer summer

Summer is here and I should feel alive and well ...... its up and down lately
we are going camping this weekend .... hope to chillax and connect to nature again
I can't write anymore now...... have lost all my words of late......
no poems.....no lyrics......not much of anything .......
even the sunshine is not helping
blah blah blah
Never mind .... summer will be good .... I'll do my best to do the best I can Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh

Monday 27 June 2011

a few synchronicities

I follow synchronicity when I see it even though there may not be what seems to be a major message behind it.
The other day one of my facebook friends had a status line mentioning "Laughing Cow" cheese, the next day we were in line at the grocery store and someone had left a package of same said cheese on the magazine rack ,then last night we went to my parents for a supper. There on the table was three packages of .... you guess it "Laughing Cow". I never knew mom to buy that brand in the past ...certainly not while I was at home.
Any way synchronicity shows up all the time and the message I take from it is usually just that life is playing fun games with us if we want to pay closer attention.
Here are another few from  recent days........... I just bought two new books at chapters the other day and both books mention Baruch Spinoza neither of these books are about philosophy.
I always feel fascinated when the smallest of synchronicity happens ..... they amuse me and at times frustrate me also as I want to find deeper meaning in them.
Perhaps deep down I want to think I am getting "secret" information from the universe or the source etc.
Or just maybe its like a great big game or puzzle to figure out or a hidden story to follow,
There are times when I have an intuitive knowlage of a situation that feels similar to the synchronicity. I will feel somehow that something will arise or happen or at times get answers to something without having to do the "work" so to speak.
I also have a very strong sensititivity to my own and others emotions both locally and at a distance.... but that is another blog
maybe for now I am supposed to relax and enjoy the simple things in life like cheese....laughing and uh cows?

Friday 24 June 2011

are you in there


well Its hard to blog off my phone so I will finish the rest at home.....it was going to be long and profound though

Thursday 23 June 2011

two new books I bought today

So I just bought these two books today so I can't tell you too much yet....
The first one "The Principles of Uncertainty" is very interesting to me because its so much like the journals that I write.
The second one "Embrace the Wide Sky" is written by an author who has Asperger's syndrome and Savant Syndrome. Daniel Tammet was the subject of a BBC documentary called "The Boy with the Incredible Brain"
Both these books make me feel a bit out of place when I look at them.....
but also I identify with them very much too!
I want to have a book published also.....
On another note ..... I encounter allot of synchronicity ..... I used to want to discover the meaning of such events (well still do I suppose)  but I also have come to feel that it means I am where I am and things are as there are (should be)
I have not been very inspired these past few days
Its a lovely evening ......
I want to paint..... no I want to play my guitar....no I want to write some poems .... no   dammit I am stuck again.
Oh hey what about reading those new books ...... Good Idea!

Wednesday 22 June 2011

when will it all converge?

I want to be able to log in to one site and access all my accounts ... facebook... Windows live...google....blogger...youtube... twitter...and others one login to rule them all . I want this seamless flow of my digital info to be easy and fast and I want the interface to be spherical with the core of the sphere as the login point and I want all Internet information exchange to be instantaneous using quantum superposition technology. And I want it now!!!!!
(just kidding I can wait awhile)

Tuesday 21 June 2011

The need to know

(It seems I have a thing about eyes)
Its a beautiful day today and I feel off.... uneasy ... and I don't know why?
Can't seem to write today !
I used to think that I liked mystery..... but I don't like mystery I like answers in fact
We think if we know we will not fear
Fear itself comes from the need to know.
no one likes a know-it-all

Friday 17 June 2011

kissing in the riot

The moment unexpected but one that has caught th attention of millions around the world, this is my simple sketch of the now famous photo.
Some thought the photo was staged ? even if it had been its still a fantasic image. It was not staged. the young girl had been hurt when knocked over by a riot police shield and her boy friend was comforting her.
The couple is scott jones and alexandra thomas , the riot police man in front ??? I think this photo will be around for a long time long after the riots are a distant memory.
Its interesting what can come out of life. Its also interesting the ability for what is most certainly instant fame.

VWb's are magic

I miss owning a volkswagen
mind you I had a super beetle
but I love the gypsy feeling of VWb's
The only car I ever did my own mechanical work on too

Thursday 16 June 2011

what do I want to grow when I be up

all these blurry images brought to you by my old phone.
I love to take pics of everything and anything..... and don't care to try to get a perfect shot

I think I used this one already ..... oh well
I feel incredibly isolated in a world that is supposed to be all connected
I wonder what happened to me?
If you say "grow up" people will take that as an insult !
When I be down I want to get up and when I be up I want to grow wings